이혜경 : 그리고, 축제 And Then the Festival

그리고, 축제 007
And Then the Festival
해설 089
Afterword
비평의 목소리 099
Critical Acclaim
작가 소개 108
About the Author

출장에서 돌아온 남편이 나를 안았을 때, 내 몸은 열리지 않았다. 남편의 손길이 닿으면 잇몸까지 드러내며 환히 웃는 아이처럼 반응하던 그곳은 내 의지와 무관하게 꽉 다물려 있었다. “나도 피곤해서 그런가봐. 잘 안 되네.” 사려 깊은 남편은 그렇게 넘겼다. 그다음 번에도 마찬가지였다. 내 의지를 배반하는 몸에 스스로 놀란 나머지, 남편이 손을 뻗쳐오면 지레 긴장했다. “그러니까 꼭 처음 하는 여자 같아.” 새롭게 자극을 받은 듯하던 남편은 어느 날 “나한테 뭐 화났어? 대체 왜 그래?” 하고 물었다. 좀 더 긴 간격을 두고 전보다 현저히 떨어진 열의로 다시 시도했던 날엔 드디어 말했다. “병원에라도 가봐야 하는 거 아냐?” 다음날, 나는 남편의 회사 근처로 갔다. 그 이야기를 집에서 털어놓으면, 집안이 온통 화산재 같은 불결함으로 뒤덮일까봐. 나는 단숨에 털어놓았다. 다 잊었다고, 당신을 만나 극복했다고 믿었는데, 구더기처럼 말간 그 얼굴을 본 순간, 아무에게도 말하지 못하는 비밀에 짓눌린 열두 살짜리로 돌아갔다고. 그러니 당신, 기다려달라고.

My husband returned from his business trip but when he took me in his arms, I couldn’t open up to him. His touch would usually get my nether parts to spread like a girl smiling ear to ear, but that night they refused my bidding and shut themselves up. “I must be tired too. I can’t get it up.” He knew what was happening, but that’s how considerate he was. The next time was the same. I was shocked―how could my body betray me like this. What was worse, when he reached out for me I was already tensed up. “Wow, just like a virgin,” he said, but the excitement of that prospect soon wore off, and one night he said, “You must be mad at me, what’s wrong?” We took another break, longer than the previous one. But when we tried once more and I responded with less interest than ever, he finally suggested I see a doctor. But instead, the next day I met him near where he worked. I was afraid our domestic life would be contaminated with volcanic ash if I broke the news at home. I told him, practically in a breath―I thought I’d forgotten it, I thought I’d finally overcome my past when I met him, but the moment I saw that milky, maggoty face at the wedding I reverted to the 12-year-old girl oppressed by a secret she could tell no one, and I begged my dear husband to wait until I was ready again.